The Minnesota Senate race: What would Santa say?

Dec 21st, 2008 by Mark Cohen

As a special extra for our blog readers, I am making my holiday-themed editor’s column from Minnesota Lawyer available. Hey, it beats a fruitcake, doesn’t it? Then again, maybe not …. The column speculates what might happen if Santa took a crack at helping Minnesota to resolve the ongoing Senate seat jockeying between the forces of Al Franken and Norm Coleman. Happy and safe holidays to all our readers!

Time: Mid-December

Place: Santa’s workshop, North Pole

Santa’s head elf, Stan, runs up to his boss waving a list back and forth.

“What’s up, Stan?” Santa asks, downing a mug of hot cocoa. “I’ve got a big ride coming up soon, and would like to get in a little me time first.” 42-16589451

“There’s still something left on your list, big guy,” Stan says. “We’ve had three million requests from the state of Minnesota for an end to that interminable Senate race between Norm Coleman and Al Franken.”

“Oh yeah,” Santa says. “Call them in and we’ll see which one’s naughty and which one’s Minnesota nice.”

“Errr, it won’t be quite that easy, Santa. They’ve both lawyered up. I’m afraid the best that you will be able to do is to speak with their attorneys.”

“Crap!” Santa exclaims. “Nothing can take me out my festive holiday mood faster than a lawyer. Very well, send them in.”

Stan leaves, and returns in short order with the lawyers for both candidates.

“Santa,” Stan says, “I’d like to introduce you to legal counsel for Norm Coleman and Al Franken.”

“Would either of you like a candy cane?” Santa asks nonchalantly. They both decline. “Hot cocoa, perhaps?” They decline again.

“Santa,” Franken’s lawyer begins. “My client would like you to deliver the 133 votes in the missing Minneapolis ballot box.”

“And it is our position,” Coleman’s counsel cut in, “that that would constitute 133 separate gifts, rather than the one to which Mr. Franken is entitled. Therefore, we oppose that motion.”

“Wait,” Franken’s lawyer interjects. “Before we get into this too far, I would like something clarified. Mr. Claus always wears a red suit. Does that preference for red indicate a Republican leaning? Is the North Pole a ‘red state?’ As a DFLer, my client strongly favors a blue Christmas. …”

“While we’re on it,” Coleman’s lawyer joins in, “we’re a bit concerned about these reindeer that you hitch your sleigh to. They look suspiciously like DFL donkeys. Couldn’t you use flying elephants instead?”

“That’s ridiculous,” Franken’s lawyer interjects. “Whoever heard of a flying elephant?”

“Dumbo,” Coleman’s lawyer answers.

“Now, now,” Santa interrupts. “No need for insults here.”

“No, I meant … never mind,” Coleman’s lawyer says. “Back to the impartiality issue. We are a bit concerned about this whole idea of giving the presents away. It sounds a bit, well, socialistic, to be frank.”

“Please!” exclaims Franken’s lawyer. “If you want to get into the impartiality issue, we want a few answers ourselves. Are ‘family values’ a key concern for you Santa?”

“Well, I suppose …”

“And those elves toiling away in your workshop day and night, do they get overtime? Are they even union Santa?”

“Errr…”

“Come on,” Coleman’s lawyer interrupts. “Don’t rake the guy over the coals just because he’s a business owner. There are much more pressing concerns. Are you an American citizen, Mr. Claus?”

“Well, technically no, but …”

“I see. So you enter the country illegally to deliver those gifts of yours, do you? Guess we don’t have to ask where you stand on immigration enforcement. And I bet you don’t even clear your flight plans with the Department of Homeland Security …”

“You know, I’m getting a headache,” Santa says. “I don’t think I am going to decide this for you after all. I am going to leave it to your fellow Minnesotans to figure this one out. Stan!”

Stan rushes over and salutes Santa.

“Please show these two out,” Santa says, extending his hand. “It’s been very educational.”

“Thanks anyway, Santa,” the two lawyers say, each vigorously shaking his hand, offering Santa a card and then departing.

“Thanks for the cards!” Santa calls after them, closely scrutinizing their names. When Stan returns from showing the lawyers out, Santa smiles mischievously and says, “I think I can guarantee both of them will be quite surprised with what they find under their tree this year.”

Mark A. Cohen is the editor-in-chief of Minnesota Lawyer. He can be reached at (612) 584-1531, or by e-mail at mark.cohen@minnlawyer.com.